Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
not for long
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Would you wear it?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
OMG 🤣🤣
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Breaking news:
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Need WebMD
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.