does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.