[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit