Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Worst perfume name ever.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?