Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
then why did i get this email
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.