Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
That’s not how days work.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.