[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.