I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.