Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
You Might Also Like
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Thursday Thought.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.