I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me as a parent
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle