God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
You Might Also Like
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
💯😂
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The opposite of Iceland is water water