[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
mumsnet is amazing
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*