Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.