I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Name this drama.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.