My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.