I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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new shirt idea
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Candles never taste the way they smell
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.