Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Why do meteors always land in craters?