What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m crying im so happy for them
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.