[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
New comic up. “Ransom”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]