Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Labreador
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: