‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector