Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Poetry is my passion
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?