My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Just ordered me some pizza!
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.