Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
the three branches of government
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
…żyje?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?