Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Writing, She Murdered.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.