“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Every photo I’m tagged in
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”