Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!