He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.