roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare