4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
No, he would not have.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine