My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory