I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.