man i love columbo
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
twitter users today:
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
dads on road-trips be like
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit