Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots