“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up