Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
#Caturday
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall