banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.