DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
where the womens at?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.