My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
constantly working on myself.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!