On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web