I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??