[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.