Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Who says great literature is dead?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Oh, I bet you would be
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.