I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
cry laughing at this shit
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Unexpected Judgment
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.