Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.