Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
shampoo implies shampee
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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