I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?