Life hack
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One