I’m sorry…what?
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Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Hot hot hot 🥵
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.