#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Breaking news:
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.